Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Bravery and Cake

My blog is where I write about pretty things, I try to keep it light and happy and never get too caught up in the bad side of things, because that's too easy and it happens without warning. It can also become a slippery slope and it's way too easy to forget about the pretty side of life when you're mired in the grey details...

I've been having a tough time lately, and although I've alluded to it and taken a couple of breaks, I haven't written about it, trying instead to keep finding the pretty and light side of life to help keep me going. However, taking a page from two of the bravest women I've had the pleasure of reading, Heather Armstrong of Dooce, and Tracey of La Belette Rouge, I decided to try and put it in perspective. Life isn't always pretty, but we can try.

LB and I really want to be parents. And in February, we were thrilled to discover that we were going to get that chance. However, all did not go according to plan, and at twelve weeks everything fell apart, I ended up in the hospital, and we were left staring at a lovely empty yellow nursery and a drawer filled with unworn maternity clothes. I can't write about the details, but Heather did such an eloquent job here that I was inspired by her bravery to put it on paper.

And I know that we can and will try again, and that it happens to a lot of couples, but it happened to us, it happened to me. And now I'm angry, sometimes irrationally so. I am dealing, and I am getting better, but it's hard. You put all of your efforts into something and it doesn't materialize, and then you're left with weight gain, emptiness, and anger.

So bear with me as I try to regain some perspective in my life, to try and reshift my focus so that it sees all of the prettiness in life {and there is so much of it!} and as I enjoy the occasional piece of cake. But only when I have the weight watchers points left for it, of course...

{Image via}


MissEm said...

I'm sorry that this happened to you. You're brave to share you story. Stay strong.

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, dear sweet Kaili, My heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry. I sensed there was something going on with you; yet, I had no idea. Kaili, I am sorry beyond what words can express. Should you need a shoulder to cry on, a virtual hug and/or a tray of cupcakes---I am just an email away.

Life is not always light or pretty. Mostly it isn't. And, I don't think now is the time to be strict about points. I say, dear sweet Kaili, let yourself have some cake, or tears, or whatever it is you need. Let LB hold you until the tears stop and then hold you a little more. I am sending you hugs, love and the promise that whatever you are going through your beauty shines through. And, you don't have to just focus on the pretty for us to see that.
I am so very and truly sorry. Big hug to you. xo
p.s. thank you so much for sharing this courageous post. A burden shared is a burden lightened. I hope that is true for you.

Canadian in London said...

Stay strong and definitely eat more cake. As always, thoughts are with you. L2 misses you like crazy (he even said it) and when you get here I'll make you the infamous Gage chocolate cake. Once you've had it, you'll never try another one!

Sara Christine said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You are incredibly brave to share your story. I admire your courage and send special thoughts your way. xoxoxo